Let's talk fashion...chubby girl running fashion, that is.

Okay, so in the few pictures I've posted thus far, I think its pretty obvious that I am no twig.  I'm sort of one of those "in-betweeners".  As in, I have to buy XL stuff at the "normal" stores, but most stuff at "plus-size" places like Lane Bryant is too big and doesn't fit me right.  Its kind of a crappy size to be, since it makes it challenging to find cute stuff that looks decent and fits nicely.  Part of my motivation in running is the idea that I might slim down a bit with time, but that is beside the point.

This post is going to be somewhat of a rant.  Consider yourself warned!

When I started running, I just went to Kohls and bought some "running" capris.  They are Tek something brand (specific to Kohls) and I was excited to be able to get a large instead of my normal XL.  I tried on other brands, in XL even, but most of the mainstream brands (Nike, Adidas, etc.) made me look and feel like a sausage that was bursting out of its casing.  Lovely mental image there, right?  I tried to find a picture to share from Google images, but they grossed me out so we'll skip that.

Over the course of my little running adventure, I've found myself wanting to buy stuff to support my habit.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I rarely spend money on myself.  I'd much rather buy stuff for my kids, so this whole "shopping for ME" thing kind of took me by surprise.  It all started with those new shoes and socks.  I found myself wanting more socks...so I bought these little beauties:

I ended up buying them a size bigger than I probably should have, but they still work okay and they ARE super cute.  Socks are pretty easy though, when it comes to sizing.

When it comes to clothes for running, forget about it.  I tried the big box department stores, I tried sporting goods stores...nothing fit!  All of the tops (even in XXL) were way too tiny and constricting.  I felt like it was a slap to the face.  I mean really, who wants their fat rolls all on display when they are running in public?  Not this crazy girl, that is for sure!  I may be nuts, but I do have some dignity that I'd like to keep intact!

It seems really wrong to me that there isn't running type clothing readily available in stores that would actually fit bigger girls.  Seriously, if anyone needs clothing for running that is made from material that will wick away the sweat and prevent chafing, it is the big people!  It seemed like my options were to A. shop in the men's department or B. sweat my ass off in a cotton t-shirt.

I refuse to shop for clothing in the men's department.  First, because I'm NOT a man, and second because it is fundamentally wrong that I should even have to consider doing so.  I'm not built like a dude.  I have boobs and curves.  I should be able to find appropriate running clothes in MY size.  I really don't think that is asking too much.  I also really disliked the idea of running in clothing that I knew would make me more hot and sweaty, which is what cotton tends to do.  Thank goodness for Old Navy, where I found this in my size:

 

I then managed to find similar tanks at Walmart (of all places!) for half the price, so I bought like 4 of them.   (Perhaps Walmart understands that fat people can and do exercise too?)  I generally try to avoid Walmart, but I had to take one for the team on this one.  I needed tanks to run in the summer and not die, and I am on a budget. I do have five children, remember...so even though I was shopping for me I couldn't really justify spending a ton on shirts to sweat in.

This whole shopping thing fires me up every time I think about it though.  I feel like there is a disconnect in the sizing of "active wear" and regular clothes.  I should not have to purchase clothing multiple sizes larger than I would normally wear.  Talk about making me feel like a fat ass.  It pissed me off enough that I had to buy an XXL sports bra.  I know the gals are ample, but good god that made me feel like a heifer.

Now that I've lost a few pounds, I was able to purchase myself some Nike running shorts the other day.  Sure, they are XL's, but at least I don't get that whole sausage popping out look going on anymore in that size I guess.  Baby steps, Jen...baby steps.

And while I'm talking about my chubby girl running fashion, I must make a confession, which will actually further support my claim that I've lost my mind with this running thing.  For as long as I can remember, I have had a hatred of the fanny pack.  On more than one occasion I have mocked people wearing them in public.  Do you want to guess what I sent my husband to buy for me the night before the Seaway run?  A freaking FANNY pack, that's what!

He tried to be nice and called it a water belt, but let's just call a spade a spade here.  Its a fanny pack.  A cute pink fanny pack, but still a fanny pack.  You may be wondering what provoked me to send him to buy a fanny pack...it was that darn sense of dignity rearing its head.  You see, I'd been carrying my inhaler tucked into my bra during my runs.  It wasn't ideal, but my capris don't have a pocket and I needed to carry it somewhere.  So, the night before the race I suddenly realized that if I needed to use my inhaler, I'd have to fish it out of my bra with like a thousand people there.  That idea did not appeal to me one bit, so I bit the bullet and told Cory to buy me something to carry my inhaler when I was running.  This is what I got. 

Its actually not as bad as I thought it would be.  The water bottles come in handy, and staying hydrated while I am running makes it much easier in the long run.  I still don't love that I'm wearing a fanny pack, but I'm nuts now, so I just be sure to mock myself when I wear it and that makes it acceptable.  I'm an equal-opportunity mocker, you know.

To recap - stores and companies that make active wear for women suck.  They need to get with the program and realize that us chubbier ladies might like to look decent while we run or exercise too.  I may not be one of those skinny running chicks, but I deserve to have the option to look cute when I'm sweating my butt off too.  Big girls can and DO look cute too, darn it!

I've realized that I kind of like shopping for me, and I can use running as an excuse to mentally justify it to myself.  I know I don't have to do that, but its how my crazy mind operates.  But, as much as I like being able to shop for myself, I really wish that finding comfortable, cute running clothes would be a little easier for me.  And to be clear, I'M not the problem here.  Those clothing companies are.  There are lots of girls bigger than me who run (and many of them run way further than I do!) and I'm betting they'd like to be able to buy stuff from the store rather than buying online and hoping stuff fits or looks good.

We should stage a rebellion.  Big girls unite!!  (Or something like that!)

My first "real" race - the Seaway 5k

Before I knew it, the Seaway Run was upon us...I mean me.  You see, my husband decided the week beforehand that he was going to run too, and I was planning to beat him, so I was kind of looking forward to having him there.  But, his boss decided he needed to work overtime, so I was back to running all by my lonesome.  Bummer.

We went to the Health Expo the night before so I could get my bib and all of that fun stuff.  It was then that I realized crap was getting REAL!  I had a race bib...with a timer thingy on it...and I was running a race with like thousands of other people the next day.  Eeeeks!  I didn't know whether to feel nervous or excited.  So, I went with both.  I decided that I had 2 goals for this race - to run/jog the whole thing, and to finish in 40 minutes or less.

 

Isn't it pretty?  It looks like a plain old race bib, but for me, it really represented so much.  Me, fulfilling that verbal diarrhea commitment made 2 months prior.  Me, running 3 times a week to train and learning to enjoy it.  Me, going absolutely insane.

 

 

I took a photo the night before the race of my first "flat mama".  I'm not sure if this is a MRTT thing or what, but everyone else was posting their pictures of what they planned to wear to the race, so I got in on the fun too.  I stuck with mostly black, because well, black is supposedly slimming...and I can use all the help I can get!



 

And as it turned out on the morning of the race, I wasn't totally by my lonesome.  Though most of these MRTT mamas were doing the 15k or Half Marathon distances, it was really nice to see some friendly faces there.  I am peeking out from the back.  Great group of ladies here, and SO supportive and encouraging!

 

The clock ticked down and soon enough it was go time.  They told us to line up by mile time.  There were these little cheerleader girls with signs, "5 minute mile", "6 minute mile", etc.  As I went to line up, I saw a friend from my MS/HS days, Jodi.  It was her first 5k too, so we decided to start it off together.  We commented about how we'd need to go to the back forty of the line up, since there was no sign for "13 minute mile and slower".  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am pretty slow.  I blame it on the asthma.

 

Suddenly, the race was beginning and we were off.  The course started with a pretty icky hill.  As I headed up the start of the hill, I spotted my Mom and kiddos off to the side.  I shouted to them and waved.  They seemed excited to see me, and knowing they were there to cheer for me gave me a boost. I managed to jog up the hill instead of walking.  I considered that victory #1 for me. 

 

Around the 1 mile mark, I lost Jodi.  I thought she was right behind me and then she was gone.  I was on my own.  It was humid and warm, and I tried to pace myself.  I hadn't even officially finished c25k yet, and this was my first time trying to run an entire 5k.  I was feeling pretty good.  A little past the 2 mile mark, I saw a friendly face.  My friend Jen H. from work was there with a stopwatch.  I remember telling her that I had not walked yet and that I might just make it the whole race.  I kept running.  As I headed into the last bit of the race, and the finish line came into sight a wave of relief and excitement came over me.

 

Holy shit people, I DID IT!  I was almost there.  I was going to make it and I had jogged the whole way!  I only used my inhaler once through the whole race.  About 100 yards before the finish, I spotted my mom and kids off to the side of the finishing chute.  My kids were jumping up and down cheering for me, and it was just the encouragement I needed to finish strong.  I crossed the finish line with a time of 41:42. 



 

Okay, I'm not in this photo, but in my defense the photo people didn't take my picture, and this is better than nothing. 

 

I went to find my mom and kids and when I found them, the tears started.  I had really done it, and I was so proud of me.  My mom cried, I cried...it was a very emo moment, and I'm sure I'll remember it forever...or at least until I end up with dementia or Alzheimer's in my old age.

 

As for my race goals, I couldn't even let myself feel bad about not meeting them both.  I DID run the entire race, even if I didn't quite do it as fast as I was hoping.  I blame it all on that hill.  I hadn't done any running on hills before this race and it really slowed me down.  I'll have lots of races where I can work on improving my time.  On June 22nd, I chose to celebrate the fact that I successfully finished my first real 5k.  That was kind of a big deal for me!

Moving right along, with just a few bumps in the road.

Right around the time that I ran the Girls on the Run 5k with Hallie, I also went to the allergist and learned that I had NOT, in fact, outgrown the asthma that bothered me as a child/teen.  That put a bit of a damper on my plans.  I thought that tightness in my chest was due to pollen exposure when running.  Wrong....crap.

I ended up with a handy dandy inhaler and an "Asthma Action Plan".  Doesn't that sound official?  I misplaced the paper with the plan a few days after my appointment so let's all just hope that I never need to actually know what that plan entails. 

I also had what can only be described as a near return to sanity.  It was week 4 day 3 of c25k, and for whatever reason, the run was brutal for me.  I can only guess that it was the combination of the asthma, allergies, and heat...but I never wanted to give up more than I did on that day.  I literally thought I was killing myself during the last 5 minute interval run.  My feet had certainly been coated in some invisible concrete, because I could barely pick them up.  I was struggling to breathe, fighting for each inhale and exhale.  My legs felt like jelly.  I was moving at a snail's pace and all I could think was that I should just stop running, call my husband to come get me, and be done with this façade of me as a runner.  I felt so broken, and yet I kept going.  I don't know what made me keep plodding along, but I did.  When the lady on my phone told me to slow to a walk for the cool down, I literally stood there in the road and cried with relief. 

I don't know what made me keep going that day.  I don't know what made me continue to torture myself when all I could think about was giving up.  That run was my first big breakthrough.  I realized that most of my battle in completing this program and becoming a runner was inside my head.  Something about that run made me realize that I could do it...even if I didn't want to.  Even if I HATED running at that instant, I could do it.  I just had to keep going and rally against that voice of self-doubt inside my head.  It was a game-changer for me.

The next big hurdle was the dreaded 20 minute run of week 5 day 3.  20 minutes of straight running with no walking breaks.  I was nervous about this run from the first time I looked at the program to see what it entailed.  In my mind, this would be the make or break run for me.  Could I really run for 20 minutes straight?  Why yes, yes I could!  And I did!  And this time, when it was time to cool down and the tears came, it was with pride.  I cried because I was proud of myself and the progress I had made.  It felt good.  Super-girl good, even.  Like if I could do this 20 minute run, I could work towards anything.  Yup, this was a back to crazy event for sure.

At that point, I was trucking along in the program and feeling pretty good about myself.  And then I woke up at 5am on May 23rd with excruciating pain in my neck.  I ended up at the Dr. and was diagnosed with severe muscle spasms in my neck, something called Torticollis.  I was instructed to take muscle relaxers and pain meds.  No running or work for a week.  Of course, just as I'm making good progress...another bump in the road.  I lasted 6 days before I went back out to run, and was pleasantly surprised to find that my endurance was still there and the run felt good. 

I finished out week 6 as the school year ended at work, then did most of week 7 while we were on vacation in Florida.  Yes, I woke up at 5:30 am to RUN on my vacation.  Insane, I tell ya.  The old me would never imagine exercising on vacation, and certainly not when I'd be walking 10 miles a day at Disney World anyways!  It was hot, and it was humid...but I felt proud of myself for surviving those runs.  I had motivation though.  My first "official" timed 5k was coming up on June 22nd.  We got from from vacation on 6/15, and the race was just a week away.

I'm sorry, you want me to do WHAT?

That was my reaction when my daughter told me, on May 17th, that she REALLY, REALLY wanted me to run her Girls on the Run 5k the next day.  We'd discussed her race previously and she had assured me that she was fine with me cheering her on since I wouldn't be anywhere near ready for a race by then.  So, to say that her pleas (which were complete with tears) took me by surprise, would be an understatement.

And again, the freaking crazy took over.  It was verbal diarrhea all over again.  I told her that if she really wanted me to do it, I'd run with her.  What the hell was I thinking?  I was just starting week 4 of my 9 week c25k program.  And somehow, she turned on the charm and all of a sudden I was running with her the next morning.

It was a bright and beautiful morning.  We drove to Heritage Landing and I pretty much wanted to throw up in my mouth.  I told Hallie I was excited to run with her.  In reality, I was terrified.  What if I fell?  Or made a fool of myself?  What if I DIED?  (Because I'd never even attempted 5k before, so who knew, it could kill me!)

Seriously though, Girls on the Run is an awesome program.  I'm really glad that my daughter decided to get involved and I hope she does it again next year (when I'll be in much better shape to run with her).  There were 1200 girls and about 800 supporting adults (coaches, parents, etc.) who ran the race this year in our county.  It was an amazing thing to see.

Overall though, the race ended up going better than I anticipated.  We ran some, we walked some...we did it together and that was really cool.  I found myself running more than Hallie did (much to my surprise!), and for the final kilometer, I had to bribe her to finish with the offer of a new Monster High Doll.  Hey, don't judge!  I'm a good mom....and sometimes I resort to "incentives" to get results. 

I made signs for us to hold to cheer Hallie on.  I should have made one that said, "Don't Die, Mom!" but I didn't have time with the short notice and all.

 

You'll notice that my darling daughter looks all lovely and athletic looking as she ran by the camera and headed to the finishing chute. She ran the whole end of the race.  (See, that incentive worked nicely!)  I did not quite have that look.

 

This is me, just after sending my kid into the finisher chute.  Only the girls got to go into that area, so I guess I didn't actually do the whole 5k...but it was close enough!  I believe I was telling my husband that he had better not take my picture at this point.  The red face is status quo for me when I run.  I don't sweat easily, so I get all red first.  I was pretty much exhausted, and wanted to cry with the sheer relief of making it out of that thing alive. 

 

The red face remained for a good, long while...but the exhaustion soon turned into pride.  I was proud of my Hallie for finishing strong, and proud of myself for doing the run with her.  So, although it was not one of my most rational decisions, I have no regrets.  I survived and came out of it with some great memories with my daughter.  I'll take being crazy for that.

And the crazy continued...

The first few weeks of my Couch to 5k journey were tough.  After that first week of celebrating the fact that I didn't die on my runs, my muscle pain seemed to get better.  I still felt like I was going to die, but at least my legs weren't feeling like they were going to fall off anymore.  By the end of week 3 though, my knees were killing me.  It was about that time that I started to learn a little more about this whole running thing.  I started to ask questions (my few running friends on Facebook were a godsend!) and also joined an awesome group on Facebook.  A friend of mine happens to lead our local chapter of Moms Run This Town, and the ladies there were so helpful.

The general consensus from my running friends and MRTT ladies was that I probably needed new shoes. 

What???  I just bought new shoes!  Running shoes even!  And they were highly rated on Amazon!

Yeah, they were great shoes...just not for MY feet apparently.  The pain in my knees was so awful that I really wanted to quit.  I got to the point where I knew I needed to make a change, or I would never finish this program (and therefore all of those haters/doubters who thought I couldn't hack it would be right).

Remember how I said I lost my mind when I started running?  Prime example, coming right up!

Since the show started, I've been a Grey's Anatomy lover.  So much so, in fact, that when my daughter was overdue I made the statement, "I don't care when she comes out, as long as its not on Thursday.  I can't miss the Grey's season premier!"  The season finale this year was May 16th.  Do you want to know what *I* did that night?  I loaded my husband and 5 kids into the Mommy-van and we drove to Grand Rapids to get me some new running shoes at Gazelle Sports. 

Let me repeat that.  I SKIPPED the Grey's season finale TO BUY RUNNING SHOES.  Totally out of character for me, and definitely a bit crazy.  To date, I still haven't seen that episode, which I find a bit annoying but I haven't had time to sit down and watch it on my computer. 

Anyways, the guy who helped me at Gazelle's was awesome.  He checked my gait and informed me that I overpronate pretty severely.  I had googled that term earlier in the week, so I actually knew what he was talking about!

Overpronation  - occurs when the foot rolls inward too much and doesn't get the proper roll during the toe off. This puts more strain on the ankles, shins and knees.

According to the shoe selling guy, this is common in people with flat feet...like me.  Go figure!  He hooked me up with some (very therapeutic looking) Brooks Addiction 10's. 

I was hoping for something neon or cute.  These didn't quite fit the bill in that regard, but they were comfortable and my foot felt really supported, so I went with the expert recommendation and bought them since my first shoes were a big fail.  I'd also heard good things about running with compression socks, so I splurged and bought these bad boys as well.  I had to get some color in there somewhere!

Aren't they CUTE!?!?  It doesn't take much to make me happy.  These pink socks did the trick.

I don't know if it was the shoes, or the socks, or the combination of the two, but the next time I ran I hardly hurt at all!  It was incredible! 

Wait a minute, did I just refer to something running related as incredible? I think I did.  And I know I raved about the difference to my husband...who nodded and probably thought something like, "Those $50 socks are going to be such a waste.  I know she'll probably wear them like 3 times before the novelty wears off."  Don't worry, I proved him wrong in spades.  Those socks are my favorites.

We are almost to the middle of my c25k program already at this point.  And it only took me 2 blog posts!  I'm certain that if I had started this 8 weeks ago, you would have had to read a ton more.  Probably lots of whining and crying about how hard it was, and maybe a little bit about how with each run I completed, I felt more and more confident in my ability to do this thing.  I was starting to feel empowered when I was able to persevere and finish those runs, even if they were hard.  I still wasn't sure that I'd be able to do something like, say, run 20 minutes without stopping on week 5 day 3, but I took things one run at a time and I started to almost enjoy it.  Almost, but not quite.  I wasn't all the way insane yet at that point.

The day I went crazy...AKA how this all began

I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so I'm just going to jump right in.  See, I should have started this blog like 8 weeks ago.  Better late than never, I guess!  I'm also probably breaking some rule about introducing myself or something, but oh well, I'm new so that can be my excuse.  Let's just suffice it to say this.  I'm Jen, a 33 year-old wife and mom of 5 kids.  I'll get into the family stuff later, I'm sure.  I went crazy approximately 2 months ago.  It started a little like this....

I went in for my mandatory meeting with the health coach assigned to me in order to get better rates for our health insurance.  His name is Josh, and he is generally a pretty decent guy...even if I do find these things to be a total waste of my time.  It was a Friday, April 26th if I remember correctly.  The conversation went a little like this:

Josh:  So what are you thinking about doing for your health classes this year? (We have to do 2 per year and they are beyond lame.)
Me:  Um, I don't know.  My husband mentioned something about how we can do a 5K and it counts as a class, is that true?
Josh:  Sure, there are 2 options - June 15th or June 22nd.
Me:  I think I'll do the 22nd, I'll be at Disney for the other one.
Josh:  Okay, and how do you plan to prepare for this race?
Me:  Oh, I'm going to do Couch to 5k program.
Josh:  Oh that's a great program!  So you'll run 3 times a week to prepare, we can use that for your health goal too.
Me:  That sounds good.  I think I can do that.

And the conversation went on.....

What the hell was I thinking?  And where on earth did the idea of Couch to 5k even come from?  I swear, this was not something that was even a little bit premeditated.  It just happened, sort of like verbal diarrhea.  The words just came out of my mouth and I had no control.  In that short exchange, I had not only committed to running 3.1 miles in a race, I also committed to actually train for that race.  Seriously folks, this is the day I started to lose my mind.  It was all downhill from there.

The next day, a Saturday, I trotted my happy ass down to JC Penney's and bought some lovely new shoes.  I got some running capris from Kohl's and figured I was good to go.  My mom came shopping with me.  She humored me, but I knew she was thinking I was nuts and would give up soon, so the money spent would be a waste.  That night, I downloaded the RunDouble C25K program on my phone.  My husband laughed when I told him I was going to run the next day.  This pretty much pissed me off.  Husbands can be good at that, I think.

Sunday, April 28th...we'll call this the official beginning of the madness.  I decided to go to Mullally Park to run, since they have a nice paved walking/running trail.  I put the earbuds in, pushed start on my app. and began what I called my first torture session.  It sounds easy in theory - Brisk five-minute warm up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.  Finish with a 5 minute cool down walk - nothing too strenuous, right?  Um, yeah...not so much.  I'll be honest.  I spent most of my first day, heck most of my first few weeks, trying to convince myself 2 things. 

1.  This will not kill me.
2.  I can do this.

When the lady on my phone told me to "Slow to an easy pace to cool down" I wanted to kiss her square on the mouth.  I can only recall a few times when I've felt more relieved than when I finished that very first "run".  I was exhausted and mentally celebrating the fact that I didn't give myself a heart attack and die.  I did it, and although it seriously felt like torture, I felt a strange sense of pride for not giving up.  I think it was that tiny glimmer of pride that made me run against the next day, and then finish week 1 that Wednesday. 

I learned quickly that this running thing was NOT easy, and I had thoughts of quitting multiple times.  My muscles protested this new activity that required them to actually work.  I suppose that is what happens when you don't intentionally exercise for years and then decide to suddenly take up running.  Still, legs aching, I kept going.  There was something motivating about overcoming my desire to quit and making it through those torture sessions.  So, I kept running...and with those runs, I lost my mind a little bit at a time.